waiting for your dream
to become reality –
praying to the stars;
knowing that one day, some day
I will see your face again.
dreams
lost
crashing
like the crystal waves on the burning shore
like the patient lying on the floor
and still I cannot find my way to you
waking
like a child with slow eyes within the morning
like passion and compassion when it’s pouring
and still I cannot fall asleep to dream
she says “it’s time to go” and we start crying,
but everyone of us is already dying,
we break the walls with our own bare hands
and now there’s nothing left
and now there’s nothing left but we are free
Meditations
because when my arms are drenched in blood down to my fingertips I feel alive
but that is the only thing I feel
broken dreams like falling stars, you chase beyond the horizon
catching although they cut like glass
you’re unable to trust anything but your own senses but even they will sometimes lie
the pain I’m supposed to feel, unfounded in your eyes
looking down and ready to jump
with the sidewalk stained with rain, the window streaked with blood
the clouds are crying the tears I cannot shed
and the song in your throat now is dying
because when my arms are drenched in blood down to my fingertips I feel alive
but that is the only thing I feel
you beat the drum to the rhythm of the hunt
when it’s the tiger within that is driving
coursing through your veins, the pain of your own life
and you’re caged and you’re burning alive
necklaces faded and shattered on the floor
amid the shadows of those you’ve left behind
the falling petals of today’s blossoming roses
take form to shackle the curtains of our hearts
because when my arms are drenched in blood down to my fingertips I feel alive
but that is the only thing I feel
turning from the starting line to let your arrows fly
but you can’t even see yourself
blind to dreams until it’s raining red, you climb
the walls that set you free
streaked with broken glass and hatred
you cross rivers without making a sound
numb to the suffering of your own body in the end, you leap
through our still flaming ring of time
because when my arms are drenched in blood down to my fingertips I feel alive
but that is the only thing I feel
This extended poem is paired with the A-side mini-compilation「Mo{ve}ment」: Read Here
Recurring Dreams in Fantasy
sitting at the edge of a red brick wall,
playing games and pretending that we won’t fall –
well, here we find ourselves again,
birthing dreams anew.
chasing the world and promising we’ll both make it
you gave me your hand and just told me to fake it;
nothing’s changed but the games we played,
yet here we are again.
time passes in strands that catch flame and crown,
a forest fire that rages until one of us drowns –
but these are just our days, we know,
and here we go again.
because what else can we do, what else would there be?
a world that’s not true, a you without me?
you told me that day that we were going to make it –
and look, here we are again.
what happens from now, neither of us know,
but as winter turns into slow-drifting snow,
I imagine a time and a place exactly one year ahead –
two children still playing on that red brick wall,
with new games, maybe, and one of them might fall,
but the other will catch their hand and say,
see, I told you –
and here we are again.
Happy birthday to my dear friend I. Until we meet again! ❤
「winter lovers’ serenade」
alive again ~these winter waking dreams~
searching for you, I walked
these empty moonlit winter streets
as snow enveloped me in silent sheets
masking the scent of waking dreams
that chased the weakness in my heart.
if you could feel my love,
would you answer me?
“we will meet again,” you said…
if I could hold you one more time,
would I live again?
reaching for you, I walked
past the edge of this eternal night
blinded by the shining white
protesting this internal fight
that I could give no reason for.
if I knew I was destined to lose,
would I still keep running?
“we are going to make it,” you said…
if you really believed that,
would you have let me go?
yearning for you, I walked
the traces of our broken past
supported by a glowing cast
the memories of those who last
still alive within my winter dreams.
all the things you said to me
don’t tell me you aren’t beautiful
don’t tell me you aren’t smart
don’t tell me you weren’t meant to be;
if only the world could see
if only you could see
what I saw every time I glanced over at you
and looked into your eyes
every time you made me laugh
every time we laid in bed
and traced our foreign days together
what was that if not beauty?
every time you spoke for hours
about the aesthetics of life and love
what was that if not intelligence?
all the things you’ve said to me
so blindly self-deprecating
and it hurts when you believe it;
you took that to the end
you were born a shooting star but never shot
never streamed across the northern skies in your private colors
and will the world know why?
you chased a dream you never saw
the dream of being yourself, of being happy
and for once,
if you could have been happy for once
would you still have left me?
if I could hear your voice again,
would I follow you home?
the dream you left behind
trampling through fields of dead roses,
with a mournful serenade gracing your ears
you hold your head up high, gazing at me
locks of your brown hair falling to the ground one by one
tracing our shattered destiny on the maps of time
I didn’t know what I was leaving behind.
the shadows of your fingers entwined in mine,
I still remember
the words you said to me that day
the strength of your loving embrace
but you knew, I knew, I had nothing left to give
and so you walked away without looking back
knowing that I was just waiting to die.
breaking the endless lines with your bare hands,
to the soundtrack of a selfless hero
you climbed the walls we had built together
and tore through the eternal night that was nothing but an illusion
nothing more, nothing less than a single night’s dream
the dream I could never see
the dream you left behind for me.
before that night was over
the night I tried to show you the way the crescent moon pierced the sky like a farmer’s blade and as the wind tore down the willow trees behind us you gazed into my face and cried still believing that there could have been another way another way for you to stay to ground yourself against my flat chest and never have to break that first-year promise but I watched the air before you burst into flames reflected back to me in your stormy eyes and before the night was over before the moon and wind and stars had won you released my hand and let me go.
brainwash
waiting for the end, we walk parallel to the edge as if we were just walking along the shore basking in the glow of who we used to be we try to love and end up in tears we try to live and they kill us before we can kill each other, they grasp our hands and we cover our ears we jump off and they catch us they promise the light at the end of the tunnel but when we get there we realize it’s death throttled by the dreams of people who believed we used to believe, we used to dream, but it was never enough to say we loved each other because they didn’t want us to mean it they wanted us to become the liars they were waiting to catch us in the act they forbid, they claimed we were going to live and still, they stabbed you in the back while we embraced and I couldn’t even cry a single tear for you they already had me in their death grip so I lied and said I never loved you I lied and said I wanted to live and now I walk alone parallel to the edge just waiting for the end.
demon/s in the mirror
“someday” was a promise I’ll never see because she, you, I lied to me this demon in the mirror spiraling out of control neon pink fringes bursting from our heart I won’t let you win, I’ll die to see this tragic farce all the way to the end when the rain flows upward and he shatters his guitar, drunk against my bloody face determined to do everything it takes to make it I will win, you’ll live even if it was never meant to be, I don’t believe drowning you in endless seas of love-blind fantasies because this mind of mine was never mine except to blow up on a heart-held trigger except to walk the line between life and death, pretending to be sane enough to hold your hand. don’t lie to me again.
reciprocity
don’t give up on me, you said but you gave up on me and it was never enough the old days were so simple coloring books and pinky-promises on the playground afternoon naps and carefree hugs and kisses I don’t remember we walked hand-in-hand through the days, silently our faces written with love we never understood why can’t we go back? to a time when giving up meant nothing even if there was nothing to give up on? you sang me the song of your future but I never had a future not even with myself, I thought the days were too easy but I couldn’t get out of bed the work was too simple but I couldn’t stop crying and eventually you walked out you gave up on me I thought promises worked both ways but I was never worth the other side of it anyway.
blown-glass trains and fleeting dreams
gazing into a sea of blackness I fall asleep to the sound of falling rain the city quiet except for the midnight train still suspended in my blown-glass dream again I hear your soothing voice but my restful sleep is fleeting we can’t spare a chance at meeting only now can I turn back time yet in the rain we are both blind reaching out vainly for your hand it disintegrates to fine storm sand I will wait on the tracks until that day caught together in this moment as the spirits’ tears come flood the streets as the seasons change in rhythmic beats I hear your words again this goodbye is not forever… we will meet again.
Enough For Me And You
breathing quietly beside you,
I gazed up at my own dark sky –
so different from yours
even though our dreams were the same
even though the promises we exchanged
had been knowingly impossible…
if I could have understood then
what it feels like to love someone
who can’t love you back…
that day the seas rose and fell
that day the sky split open
and shattered our silent dreams into a million pieces,
glass shards we grasped in our hands despite the pain
you asked me for a reason –
and I blurted out so many
but it’s only now that I realize what the right answer was.
“I don’t need a reason,” I should have said.
“Isn’t ‘I love you’ enough?”
Nocturne of a Dreamer
sitting at the edge of dawn,
waiting for who knows how long
the first bird shares her siren song
and we –
in this intangible moment we
go off into infinity
stepping into the unknown that is our life.
as though we could have stopped them,
and made this place our own
as though we could have met them,
and bent our fates anew
we chase each dawn from night to day,
each following our own loving way –
then searching for the words to say,
words that might still change the world someday.
reaching into open arms, we gaze
at these reflections of our own blind eyes
at our opposite horizon lines
and we say, “we will not go.”
we say “this is not the end.”
because here, the sun is rising –
hear, the sun is rising –
and today
with nothing else to do
and no other path to take
we follow it into eternity.
Neon Dreams [Painting]
the dream you left behind
trampling through fields of dead roses,
with a mournful serenade gracing your ears
you hold your head up high, gazing at me
locks of your brown hair falling to the ground one by one
tracing our shattered destiny on the maps of time
I didn’t know what I was leaving behind.
the shadows of your fingers entwined in mine,
I still remember
the words you said to me that day
the strength of your loving embrace
but you knew, I knew, I had nothing left to give
and so you walked away without looking back
knowing that I was just waiting to die.
breaking the endless lines with your bare hands,
to the soundtrack of a selfless hero
you climbed the walls we had built together
and tore through the eternal night that was nothing but an illusion
nothing more, nothing less than a single night’s dream
the dream I could never see
the dream you left behind for me.
alive again ~these winter waking dreams~
searching for you, I walked
these empty moonlit winter streets
as snow enveloped me in silent sheets
masking the scent of waking dreams
that chased the weakness in my heart.
if you could feel my love,
would you answer me?
“we will meet again,” you said…
if I could hold you one more time,
would I live again?
reaching for you, I walked
past the edge of this eternal night
blinded by the shining white
protesting this internal fight
that I could give no reason for.
if I knew I was destined to lose,
would I still keep running?
“we are going to make it,” you said…
if you really believed that,
would you have let me go?
yearning for you, I walked
the traces of our broken past
supported by a glowing cast
the memories of those who last
still alive within my winter dreams.
early morning dreams
waiting for the world
to transform into a rose –
perhaps, a rainbow…
hoping to see next sunrise,
a gift from your heart to mine.
Nocturne of a Dreamer
sitting at the edge of dawn,
waiting for who knows how long
the first bird shares her siren song
and we –
in this intangible moment we
go off into infinity
stepping into the unknown that is our life.
as though we could have stopped them,
and made this place our own
as though we could have met them,
and bent our fates anew
we chase each dawn from night to day,
each following our own loving way –
then searching for the words to say,
words that might still change the world someday.
reaching into open arms, we gaze
at these reflections of our own blind eyes
at our opposite horizon lines
and we say, “we will not go.”
we say “this is not the end.”
because here, the sun is rising –
hear, the sun is rising –
and today
with nothing else to do
and no other path to take
we follow it into eternity.
For my dear friend K… happy birthday.
