alive again ~these winter waking dreams~
searching for you, I walked
these empty moonlit winter streets
as snow enveloped me in silent sheets
masking the scent of waking dreams
that chased the weakness in my heart.
if you could feel my love,
would you answer me?
“we will meet again,” you said…
if I could hold you one more time,
would I live again?
reaching for you, I walked
past the edge of this eternal night
blinded by the shining white
protesting this internal fight
that I could give no reason for.
if I knew I was destined to lose,
would I still keep running?
“we are going to make it,” you said…
if you really believed that,
would you have let me go?
yearning for you, I walked
the traces of our broken past
supported by a glowing cast
the memories of those who last
still alive within my winter dreams.
all the things you said to me
don’t tell me you aren’t beautiful
don’t tell me you aren’t smart
don’t tell me you weren’t meant to be;
if only the world could see
if only you could see
what I saw every time I glanced over at you
and looked into your eyes
every time you made me laugh
every time we laid in bed
and traced our foreign days together
what was that if not beauty?
every time you spoke for hours
about the aesthetics of life and love
what was that if not intelligence?
all the things you’ve said to me
so blindly self-deprecating
and it hurts when you believe it;
you took that to the end
you were born a shooting star but never shot
never streamed across the northern skies in your private colors
and will the world know why?
you chased a dream you never saw
the dream of being yourself, of being happy
and for once,
if you could have been happy for once
would you still have left me?
if I could hear your voice again,
would I follow you home?
the dream you left behind
trampling through fields of dead roses,
with a mournful serenade gracing your ears
you hold your head up high, gazing at me
locks of your brown hair falling to the ground one by one
tracing our shattered destiny on the maps of time
I didn’t know what I was leaving behind.
the shadows of your fingers entwined in mine,
I still remember
the words you said to me that day
the strength of your loving embrace
but you knew, I knew, I had nothing left to give
and so you walked away without looking back
knowing that I was just waiting to die.
breaking the endless lines with your bare hands,
to the soundtrack of a selfless hero
you climbed the walls we had built together
and tore through the eternal night that was nothing but an illusion
nothing more, nothing less than a single night’s dream
the dream I could never see
the dream you left behind for me.
before that night was over
the night I tried to show you the way
the crescent moon pierced the sky like a farmer’s blade
and as the wind tore down the willow trees behind us
you gazed into my face and cried
still believing that there could have been another way
another way for you to stay
to ground yourself against my flat chest
and never have to break that first-year promise
but I watched the air before you burst into flames
reflected back to me in your stormy eyes
and before the night was over
before the moon and wind and stars had won
you released my hand and let me go.
brainwash
waiting for the end, we walk
parallel to the edge
as if we were just walking along the shore
basking in the glow of who we used to be
we try to love and end up in tears
we try to live and they kill us
before we can kill each other, they
grasp our hands and we cover our ears
we jump off and they catch us
they promise the light at the end of the tunnel
but when we get there we realize it’s death
throttled by the dreams of people who believed
we used to believe, we used to dream, but
it was never enough to say we loved each other
because they didn’t want us to mean it
they wanted us to become the liars they were
waiting to catch us in the act they forbid, they
claimed we were going to live and still, they
stabbed you in the back while we embraced
and I couldn’t even cry a single tear for you
they already had me in their death grip
so I lied and said I never loved you
I lied and said I wanted to live
and now I walk alone
parallel to the edge
just waiting for the end.
demon/s in the mirror
“someday” was a promise I’ll never see
because she, you, I lied to me
this demon in the mirror spiraling out of control
neon pink fringes bursting from our heart
I won’t let you win, I’ll die
to see this tragic farce all the way to the end
when the rain flows upward and he shatters his guitar,
drunk against my bloody face
determined to do everything it takes to make it
I will win, you’ll live
even if it was never meant to be, I don’t believe
drowning you in endless seas of love-blind fantasies
because this mind of mine was never mine
except to blow up on a heart-held trigger
except to walk the line between life and death,
pretending to be sane enough to hold your hand.
don’t lie to me again.
reciprocity
don’t give up on me, you said
but you gave up on me
and it was never enough
the old days were so simple
coloring books and pinky-promises on the playground
afternoon naps and carefree hugs
and kisses I don’t remember
we walked hand-in-hand through the days, silently
our faces written with love we never understood
why can’t we go back?
to a time when giving up meant nothing
even if there was nothing to give up on?
you sang me the song of your future
but I never had a future
not even with myself, I thought
the days were too easy but I couldn’t get out of bed
the work was too simple but I couldn’t stop crying
and eventually you walked out
you gave up on me
I thought promises worked both ways
but I was never worth the other side of it anyway.
blown-glass trains and fleeting dreams
gazing into a sea of blackness
I fall asleep to the sound of falling rain
the city quiet except for the midnight train
still suspended in my blown-glass dream
again I hear your soothing voice
but my restful sleep is fleeting
we can’t spare a chance at meeting
only now can I turn back time
yet in the rain we are both blind
reaching out vainly for your hand
it disintegrates to fine storm sand
I will wait on the tracks until that day
caught together in this moment
as the spirits’ tears come flood the streets
as the seasons change in rhythmic beats
I hear your words again
this goodbye is not forever…
we will meet again.
Enough For Me And You
breathing quietly beside you,
I gazed up at my own dark sky –
so different from yours
even though our dreams were the same
even though the promises we exchanged
had been knowingly impossible…
if I could have understood then
what it feels like to love someone
who can’t love you back…
that day the seas rose and fell
that day the sky split open
and shattered our silent dreams into a million pieces,
glass shards we grasped in our hands despite the pain
you asked me for a reason –
and I blurted out so many
but it’s only now that I realize what the right answer was.
“I don’t need a reason,” I should have said.
“Isn’t ‘I love you’ enough?”
Nocturne of a Dreamer
sitting at the edge of dawn,
waiting for who knows how long
the first bird shares her siren song
and we –
in this intangible moment we
go off into infinity
stepping into the unknown that is our life.
as though we could have stopped them,
and made this place our own
as though we could have met them,
and bent our fates anew
we chase each dawn from night to day,
each following our own loving way –
then searching for the words to say,
words that might still change the world someday.
reaching into open arms, we gaze
at these reflections of our own blind eyes
at our opposite horizon lines
and we say, “we will not go.”
we say “this is not the end.”
because here, the sun is rising –
hear, the sun is rising –
and today
with nothing else to do
and no other path to take
we follow it into eternity.
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